Adoption: 3 Months - 6 Months

3 month ish to 6 month ish.

Can remember their names. Can make them laugh. Can remember my name.  Kindergarten, Sunday school, hopeful, routine, clingy, defiant, creative, affection, appointments.

I’m just putting some markers on the adoption 202 timeline.  Every family is different and these are meant to be helpful, certainly not anything in cement.

Naps  Phase one was all uphill to get a rest time in.   But whether they needed it or not, I did!

Q) Remember the three things you cannot make a child do?

A) sleep, eat or pee. So of course, “no one has to sleep, just quiet reading with a blanket and pillow on a bed.”  My eyes are drooping just writing this.  But now that some of my loss sanity was returning, I would grab a book and blanket snuggle and fall asleep with them.  Not every day, many days, I needed the time for myself.

Signals and crazy questions. The universal finger over the lips signals quiet or quieter. About this time the crazy chatter and questions can get overwhelming.  In our home, I’m sure it was a way to keep me engaged with them every second.  So all the over kill crazy questions, like; “if we are going to have apples for snack tomorrow, I want the peanut better on the side and then I want chocolate chips in it, and I don’t want juice I want … and…. The next day… I want…”  I would give them the quiet sign.  Maybe a little wink, “no worries, we’ll see about it tomorrow.” I understand the fear is emotional and irrational, so this is a tough one, if you have the energy to answer it all, great.  I had to come up with something that didn’t feel dismissive, that worked for me.

Soft music at bedtime. We had a wonderful woman visit our church who runs a hospice in Africa.  She had made a CD with beautiful comforting soft music on it. We bought one and tried it one night.  The rocking had tapered off, and the girls loved it.  I wish I had thought of it.  As an adult I cannot get my brain to quiet down for a billion reasons.  Of course they have the same issues. A fan or soft music or one of those rain machines, might help comfort.

School/church/date night aka: You’re LEAVING me! Naturally I remember the woman in our adoption classes who shared about never leaving her new child for the first year. I’m always on the hunt for a new gauge to guilt myself with. So I wished I’d got her name to thank her.  My parentfied five year old after meeting the teacher and playing on the playground, did great. Happy as a lark to have friends. She’s a school type kid.  Her little sis went bazerk to attend an hour of Sunday school.  The sweet woman at the door opened her arms to her and told me to get going.  I bit my nails and sweated through church.  I expected to pick her up and the volunteers ask me to never come back. What-da-ya-know…They all had their hair attached and smiled, ‘see you next time’ rolled out, all friendly like.  We tried it again, the crying seemed to diminish each week.  I was at a training and asked the therapist sitting at my table (my guilt still needed help) what do you do about leaving them when you are supposed to be building this sure attachment thing. I’ll never forget what he said (made the guilt sit down).”Teaching them that parents go away but always come back is part of a healthy attachment.”

Holidays. Yes, those happy times throughout the year when we gather as family over food and celebration.  We as moms go into HGTV mode, decorations, shopping, cooking, hostessing, planning. Maybe relatives who are meeting the newbies in your family. “Let’s move all the furniture and have the carpets cleaned too.”  Reading this you already know better… but the ads, the music, the memories we could make…it does kinda sweep away your good sense. So put this on the top of your T0-Do-LIST.  What is the BEST way to take care of me?  MY sanity is the priority.  Raging, clingy, upset kiddo’s usually hijack the best laid plans.  SO….start with You! Remember they are watching for your cracks.  All your predictability, nurture and love, can’t be real…Prove them wrong!

Maybe the best way to care for me is to not do the cooking. Potluck or order out.

Maybe the best way is to keep it small. No extras. Simplicity is not a lower celebration.  Try it and feel the freedom.

Maybe stretch out big family or important gatherings?  Why not celebrate with family or friends the weekend before maybe find a sitter if it’s an adult gathering. Look for flexibility.

I’m an old adult and I still have trouble sleeping Christmas Eve. (Did I wrap the Clue game?  Is it too scary? Killed with a led pipe…ickes… what was I thinking!)  How much more lack of sleep will plague the kids.  Oh Ya, we’ve seen some crazy meltdowns.  WE got smart and started doing a boring movie and curl up on holidays.  Zonked, their out.  Tired and over anxious, needs a place to crash.

Vacations Oh boy, maybe I should put this on the 6-12 months area.  BUT NO!  My niece was getting married in San Diego.  What an amazing 9 hour car trip!  So perfect!  Beach time, Disneyland, nice hotel with pool.  Who could not have a blast? Let me name them for you:  Me, my husband, our adopted girls, our teen daughter…anyone within two feet of us… Remember my routine just to get them to sleep in a bed.  Now put five tired people in a motel room, two of them won’t stay in the bed.  I knew I was losing it when my teen wouldn’t give me her ear phones and I started to cry. She eventually gave them over, so I could cry about what a selfish mom I am. If you can, ask for the room with the loudest bathroom fan. Or make sure those wonderful devices are charged.

Beach was also a disaster I didn’t see coming.  Once little ones are past the eating sand stage, usually they love sand, buckets and waves tickling their toes.  We barely could get them out of the car.   Eventually out but then would not move off the beach towel, crying and scared.  After an hour of having them glued to our bodies, my husband said, “we’re took a whole day to do this?” I nodded yes, “anyone want a cheese stick covered in sand?”

Disneyland is surely the top of over stimuli.  But anywhere with kids and loud and visual effects will do the trick.  I thought the only super mom thing to do would be carry the 3 yr. old and hold her hand when we saw Winnie or Cinderella. That did not work.  We went back to the front and rented a stroller, strapped her in and that did work.  I’m guessing she felt more secure in it.  She still did not want to participate in Disney anything.  But it was at least we could see the sights.

3-6 months in, I’d recommend just trying play land at McDonalds.  We were over our heads. Go big after 12 months.

Those medical, dental, evaluation appointments.  The ones I told you to avoid the first three months come due.  I’m going to take a personal tangent here. When those where coming up, I began to lose sleep.  I find myself (to this day) rehearsing over and over what I want to tell the professional. Maybe not so much the dentist (but the dentist cause my girls so much anxiety, it totally triggers mine.) It’s like I’m finally going to show up to someone who might have answers or a way to fix them.  IS there a pill for that?  It there a therapy for that?  IS there a school or treatment for that? SO… I rehearse over and over details and things I’ve wondered about. Maybe if I can give all the right information the professional will have the superior knowledge to give me the magic formula? Never happens.  I leave disappointed. EVERY TIME.

Just like the holidays, keep expectations ground level.  I set myself up for disappointment.  Every adopted kid is different.  Trauma effects different kids at different stages. And if there was a magic formula, it wouldn’t work very long.  They are constantly growing and changing. YOU are the best answer for it all, not someone who spends 20 minutes with them.  I will still advocate and listen and try suggestions from pro’s. But listen to your gut too!  If it is adding more stress, step back.

Attachment.  So bonding and attachment are a big deal. How do you think it is going?  I had a few moments in 0-3 months where I fantasized about running away from home.  But somehow the fear of being a homeless women hanging out in a truck stop kept me home.  Your battles are probably still there, but you should be moving past the running away mode.  You should start to “feel” empathy over anger.  You should be finding a groove with the new ciaos. Letting the ridicules roll off. Maybe the “newbie” hasn’t changed a whole lot in the 3-6 months, but hopefully you have.  The structure and nurture you’ve gone after has rewarded you an acceptable rhythm for parenting.  You trust your instincts.  Everything is NOT rosy but somehow it’s doable to enjoyable. Don’t forget about attaching back to who you are.  Are you a spouse?  This is the season where you may have to have shorter date nights, but please oh please talk about something other than the kids. I have so many wonderful friends that where there for me, now is the time to put them on my list. Promise yourself you won’t drone on about all the changes at home.  Ask them about themselves. Smile and laugh with your adoptive one/ones.  That deer in the headlights look should be gone.

Thanks for taking on changing the world.  No, you may not cure cancer or become the president BUT you are changing someones world.  Everyday that you take a deep breath, trust God, trust yourself you are helping this child/children find their path in life.  They can't do it without you.  You are SOOOO important.  NO you or I will never do it 100% right. So kick that junk to the curb.  You ARE Amazing and Appointed for such a time as this.  Go conquer...you have this....

Julie

Adoption: Day 1 - 3 Months

Funny that: I was able to talk to the foster mom who had my girls before we picked them up.  We walked across the parks green grass. Beautiful day, chatting away about what kind of children they are.  What were her concerns etc…? I’ll never forget her insight.  “They don’t sleep.  They don’t play.  They don’t eat without tantrums. They can’t be apart…” I watched our prospective new girls running around the park structure, sweet little bugs. Poor woman, she must be burnt out.

Come to find out, she was correct. 

Day one to 3 months in:

Boot camp, orientation, bargaining, hell week and week and week, trial and error, pandemonium, positioning, grief and loss, marathon, amazing, circling of the wagons (cause I like westerns), arduous, hopelessness, overwhelming, enlightened.  

Those are my unofficial words for the first months as a new adoptive family.  If you can keep your sunny rosy thing going and not be disappointed when the other things hit, more power to ya.  My very first trip to the poor in Mexico turned me around.  I went in with my cute dress, flats and toilet seat covers in hand,” ready to do this!” I had a rude awaking when reality hit my plan, I was nowhere prepared.  The pit toilets where only a few inches deep, understandable since the whole neighborhood used the same outhouse.  Moral of the story.  Toilet seat covers are a good start, but be prepared to see the worst load of crap.

Bullet points flying through my head: in no order (like most my thoughts)

• Do not do relative visits.  Opposite of new babies that sleep and can be passed around. It just sets kids up for more overload and stress. Alert family ahead of time, no revolving door.

• Have the schedule ready. Simple, with pictures for little ones.  Go over it every morning. (High structure).  Then keep it.

• Minimize your schedule.  You’d be surprised at how much you are used to getting done.  If you get a shower or one good conversation.  You should be patting yourself on the back.

• Roll with the tantrums.  There is going to be LOTS of crying and fits and disobedience.  What is the plan?  Calm and redirection?  Time out? Time in? 

• Expect the battle at every turn.  IT is NOT PERSONAL.  It is their way of flipping off the world for so much disruption.  Sometimes it’s to see what you were made of. They are trying to prove to you and themselves you aren’t up to going the distance.  If Rocky can, you can. (minus the boxing gloves)

• Get outside.  Everyday.  Our first months were in the winter.  But every day we went under the back porch and rolled a ball or popped umbrellas for a walk.  Do a park when feeling brave.  Equipment with children who don’t obey or listen is for the parent who can sprint on a dime.

• Expect tantrum for car seats, seat belts.  Probably anything that’s health and safety related.  But don’t cave.  Pull over, go home.  No bargaining over glass flying or dangerous behavior.  Take things away, put out of reach.  Trust your instincts.

• Get help.  I know of a mom who has adopted 10 kids all from foster care.  When I was feeling my own wellbeing going to mush, I called her.  Did I mention she home schools them all?   She dropped everything, brought her three youngest and came to my house.  Within minutes, my two started pushing buttons.  I did my same calm redirection in front of her and then I couldn’t hold back the facade anymore.  “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, EVERYDAY, THEY TANTRUM AND IT NEVER GETS BETTER. I’M A FAILURE…I NEED A STRAIGHT JACKET!!!” She never bought into my hysterics (a professional non alarmist). She said, “you’re doing fine, that’s all normal, keep up the good work.”

• Work at attachment. It feels SO counterintuitive.  Maybe once we can get past all this anger and misbehavior then we’ll cuddle and say sweet things to one another.  You probably won’t get to sweet anything without doing it. Rocking, cuddling, calmly meeting needs, eye contact. Carry them close until your back tells you different.  It feels like hugging a porcupine, I know, just do it anyway. 

• Food issues. I wish I had a dollar for every time I said this: “Eat what you want.  Don’t eat what you don’t want.”  Food was one our top obvious stressors with our new kids.  They would spin out and bite each other while I prepared meals.  Yikes, talk about hungry.  I know it wasn’t about hunger but a trigger from neglect. I had a magic line in the kitchen they had to stay behind.  They could watch (and not bite each other) and it saved my sanity.  Between fostering and our own kids, we bought the food, prepared it and put it on the table.  “Eat what you want, don’t eat what you don’t want.” Bing another dollar. Some RAW TRUTH: ten years later of consistent good meals, good snacks we still sit down and see table anxiety. Oh how I wish it would magically disappear, but it hasn’t.

• Bedtime routine. Varies by age. Anything I have for bedtime success, I owe to Super Nanny.  I saw this on her show. The first couple weeks after bath and rocking we’d read a little book and crawl into bed. Lights out and I would sit at the feet of their beds.  Every footy limb pulsed to get out of the bed and I would gently put them back in bed.  Sometimes standing to block them from climbing out.  There was often screaming and thrashing, not from me tho, I did it like Jo, no talking, just gently putting them back over and over. The second set of weeks, I sat against the bookshelf in their room.  This wasn’t so bad, because I would bring a book and read by their night light.  They were still restless but for the most part stayed in bed.  The next stretch of weeks, I took a chair & book and sat in the hallway.  This is where the, “can I have a drink? Can I tell you something?” Or I’d hear them talking.  It was easier than being on the floor to hop up, shake my head no, while giving them the quiet signal.  Finally the goal arrived!  We did our routine and I went and sat on the couch.  They would sometimes call for me, and I would appear with my quiet signal. I would say from here on out they were in the 80-90 % of bedtime cooperation. 

• Getting through the grocery store.  I know in most the adoption literature the experts say; outside reward systems don’t regulate emotional kids.  But I carried those little dum dum suckers anyway.  I flashed them in front of the children before entering the store.  I bribed them with those silly things throughout and sometimes made it out of the store with my hair attached.  Whoo hoo.

• Show them. I mentioned my girls had obvious food issues.  So a few times a day, I would show them the panty or cupboards. “Look at all that food! Wow! So many choices for snack!  And the refrigerator…SOFULL.”  Maybe they worry about people getting in.  Show them all the locks.  Smoke detectors. Where you sleep.  How easy it is for you to hear them. Tell them every day, you will be safe here.  I will always take care of you. I won’t leave you.

• Never ask why. When I’m asking a child W H Y OH W H Y are you________________. Or I’m just sick and tired of___________________.  Those are our cues to something is wrong with me/us. Step back, what is going on with me?  What do I need right now to find some calm?  What am I afraid of?  Even when I’m calm and not vested.  “Why did that ugly vase get broken?”  I’ve never gotten a rational answer. Save the brain cells for better use.  

• Birth parent visits.  The LONGEST, HARDEST hours of my life.  My heart broke in a thousand pieces for them.  All of them. I’m tearful writing these words. I don’t care how far off the parental grid anyone has fallen, it’s excruciating to see people whose flesh and blood children will never be in their lives. I don’t care if you have an open arrangement, the planets shift when parentage is taken from one set to another.  Everyone’s grief and loss slapped me upside the head to take kicking and screaming children from their birth parents arms.  We adopted from another county in California and had to drive to a half way spot to meet. NEVER DO THIS ALONE!  I’m So serious, like NEVER driving intoxicated.  TAKE SOMEONE WITH YOU.  I will name the two best people on the earth today, (okay I’m crying again) Ann and Robin.  I didn’t have to leave for my hour and half drive until the birth parents had arrived.  So I waited and hung out by the phone.  When I got the call, one of these saints dropped everything to jump in my car and drive with me.  They helped carry screaming children to my car.  They help distract and calm them. They brought treats.  Truth be told, they should have done the driving.  Many times, I was shaking so bad, I shouldn’t have been driving. AMAZING WOMAN!

• Wait on all those routine medical appointments. Unless absolutely required.  I was sure my girls were underweight with a bunch of other minor concerns. One child made it in to where the nurse does her routine, the other flipped out and the nurse told me to take them home and try again another day.  I didn’t have a chance to tell her over the screaming, it took us a week of Elmo goes to the Doctor just to get here.

• Treasure Box.  I put together some little toys in Treasure box. My 5 ½ year old was so use to being the parent.  It was a tough transition for her to “let me be the mommy, and she could be the little girl.” So the Treasure Box was just for her to pick from.  I would thank her for allowing me to help with little sis and whatever else she had overcome that day.

These are just a few that rolled out. When in doubt, call the social worker, therapist.  Have them come over and help.  Sometimes it takes a world of weight off to know, "is this okay?" And then hang on, the next months are going to get better.     -Julie

My Blog is on Sabbatical or Escape from blogging.

Or Pause , or on hold.  But I thought "on sabbatical" sounded more spiritual. Ha!  I have learned in my life to stick with what I can do and quit frustrating myself with what I can't get done. Blogging was one of those things I could never "get to".

 To meet my *writing fiction goals, something had to give and so I sign off for a while. Trusting God's leading, I will be back.

* and editing, and finding reviews, and cover photos and beta readers and Amazon and Kindle ads. Did I mention I have two teens at home? (Okay now you get it!)

Escape to peace, Julia  

Escape to your truth

This one’s a bit tricky.  My historical walk of faith only gives room for the Word of God to carry real truth.  We are untrustworthy humans with loopy emotions and triggers.  No way can we trust our own truth as real truth. But I’m coming to accept that I do have a personal truth. And it can even be flawed with absurd emotions and bias opinion. But it’s mine.  I’m not trying to compete with God’s truth (like I could- ha!).  My truth has to resonate within owning who I am, how God made me to tick.  Just a big dose of acceptance, I guess.

You could fill your journal with every truth God says about you and be enriched.

But go wild and journal your own truth for those deep longings and aspirations.

Here’s a few of mine:  Julie’s truth (after 5 kids) if I never go to another back to school night or Christmas program- I will be fine with that.

After a normal work week, my entire weekend cannot be all give.  I will plan for a soul filler in there somewhere.

I’m still grieving Chip and Joanna going off HGTV. But find comfort in my Magnolia T-shirt.  Thank you Renee.

I missed the deep longs and aspiration part- but you’ll do better.

Escape from opportunities

Confession: I might struggle with discernment. I look at most good opportunities as good for me to say yes to. I need fodder for my ADD brain to feed on, so most good ideas must be from God cause they look, smell, and ring good. Discernment stops me and says “Looks like a good opportunity, but is it your opportunity.” Humm…that sounds like I’m supposed to pray and look at my “have to’s” and hold this opportunity up against them? Wow- funny that, though good, maybe not just the right piece to my puzzle. The opportunity just can’t quite be shoved into place.

Frankly, I’m one of those “without a target, you’ll hit nothing every time”…or something like that.

So, My Top Goals, Target Rings, Puzzle on God’s Game Table…you name it and get it...is...

Carry Joy into my marriage and family.

Live in extravagant faith (while balancing giving and soul care).

To see God at work in my writing while I vow to calm the shaky hand that wants to grab the reins.

Get your journal out and do this with me:  Jesus what does this opportunity really do for me?

Oh, that fear of missing out thing…good point Lord. Oh, that see myself as productive and important thing…another good point Lord.                                                 

Escape to the inner-sanctum (cue windy-moody music)

As a writer, I hear a lot of talk about the interior motives and the exterior motives of the characters. People’s interior thoughts and feelings always carry the story.  The how, why and when is important, but we want to know what’s going on inside them through the up and down turns of the story. Stay with me-God absolutely cares that your car is in the shop or your kid flunked out of biology. BUT I believe He deeply desires to connect with our soul.  Our interior story. Look at a challenge in your life today.  Take it inside…

Where is the fear from?

Is there a lie you are believing?

Grab ahold of some truth and do a rewrite with that interior story.

Here is one recently from my journal:

Jesus, I like writing stories, but going public to sell a product, overwhelms me.

Jesus: AKA Truth. You trust me in the quiets moments of writing to lead and guide you.  Can you trust Me in this area where you see your inadequacies?  My strength is often made perfect in weakness. Be still, sweetheart.

Mmmm, I love that you think my heart something sweet.  Thanks, Lord, I receive your strength and peace over the unknowns today.

Escape into single focus

I’ve noticed on the 6-minute minivan ride to the bus stop, my teen has bathroom, bedroom, and kitchen all happening in the front seat. It’s a whirlwind that leaves socks, wrappers, lotion, makeup, sweatshirts still swirling after she jumps out. I drive away thinking “what in the world is all this?” As I pull away from the bus stop, I pick my scripture reading on my phone, merge onto the freeway, navigate morning traffic and think about what work is going to look like today.  Oh, and my throat is scratchy, I think I’ll make a hot tea when I get to work. I wonder if I could jump out of my brain, all my thoughts would just keep swirling.   Humm sounds familiar. Outside evidence of rushed and unfocused, looks like the seats of my van.  Inside rush and unfocused looks like a day started with a task list and the Word of God finding nowhere to land. Ugg

OH, how my soul deserves rest and single focus.

I’m going to ask Jesus something like, Jesus you gave me peace and truth for this day.  Why do I try to shove those necessary things in with the unnecessary?

Escape into your story

While having lunch with my sister-in-law who doesn’t read a lot of fiction.  She asked me about the process of outlining a story.  I told her ever good story has to hold the tension through challenge, loss, unexpected highs, and lows.  But the trick of romance is all in the love.  It’s the thread of love throughout the story that keeps us reading.  Love has to prevail. Then as the clouds parted (in the building) and the light hit my brain.  I saw something. That’s the same with all our stories!  We ALL live somewhere in the tension, challenges, highs, and lows—BUT the love of God is the thread that holds our life stories together. There is no heights or depths or loss or challenge that will separate us from the LOVE of God.  His love is the thread that us gets us up every morning and moving, believing for His Love to Prevail.

Journal or tell Jesus your top love threads you see in your life today.

Write out Romans 8:38 and then treat yourself to Kim Walker-Smith singing Unstoppable Love. So good!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pbxRz0AOho

Escape into the early morning.

Escape into the early morning.

As the weather allows, every morning between 6 and 7, I slip out my back door and into the backyard. 

Funny that-The sun is rising above the same spot every morning. Old wood fence, a large bush turned tree and there again is the first glows of a new day.  I escape this morning into His faithfulness.  That sun has never risen over another portion of fencing.  It has never been green; it’s always golds and oranges.  My Father has faithfully promised a new day, each day.  New grace for each day. New choices, new truth, new hope, and peace.  Faithful, so faithful.

Get your journal out.

Question for Jesus:  Tell me anew Jesus how you are faithful to me today.

Now tell Him what that means to you.

Escape into cleaning. What? Are you feverish?

Hear me out. I had four generations in my home on Sunday, and I don’t have a big house.  Great grandpa was watching football. His grandchildren sat around him on their phones. The great-grands ran inside- then outside, then inside.  A swing, game of croquet, a sandbox and a spilled box of legos- spread hither. How is one to escape?  When five of the great-grands left, I stepped past the puzzles and legos and went outside to the sandbox.  I contemplated digging and making some mud pies, but the littles had left more sand out than in.  So I did the only respectable thing for the daughter, mom, and grandma- I cleaned.  It was solitary, and it felt good to re right something in my hectic day. (Yep, you're right- it was sand, plastic play cups, and shovels). BUT it was an escape for a few minutes that set my soul back up again.

Get your journal out:

What was the last thing you did, that helped your soul escape or reset?

Tell Jesus what it means that He would give you “His Peace.”

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27 NIV

Escape from control.

Everyone on social media has these great one great liners over an amazing picture of a person standing on top of the Alps. My husband walked into the kitchen in his fancy yard attire. (Old shorts and a beater T-Shirt.) ”I have my own one liner!” he said.  Not to say he is a man without deep thoughts- but I braced myself for a corny joke. Then he said, (music stills) “Worry is a manifestation of our need for control.”  I Love it! Because he’s talking about himself, just easier than saying, “Worry is my manifestation of my need to be in control.” That’s a “good word” I said, wide-eyed.  He’s been asking Jesus about this deep need to be in control.  It’s driven his life all these years- but it doesn’t work in his spiritual life. It kinda competes with these other lovely things called TRUST and REST.

"Worry is a manifestation of our need for control."

Get your journal out:

How do you escape the grip of control and worry?

What would be your one-liner today?

Escape with the FRR formula for peace.

So you know how you’re going along just fine until you hear bad news or someone you care about has something serious going on.  One minute you were up, the next minute you are carrying your/their fear or worry, and you feel your spirit slumping thought out the day. That’s when it’s time for the FRR formula. Usually I sell it for $19.99 but today and today only- it’s absolutely free. (Yes-I’m joking)

F is for FEAR (remember that the mercy and empathy that you carry is a gift from God ) But your still worried.

R is for RELEASE (no need to wait) Jesus is available right now to take anything you are willing to release to Him. Pray, write it out… visualize the hand off.

R is for RECEIVE Now you can receive was is meant for you. Thank the Lord for His peace and His Hope and the Faith (what else?) that He has given you for that spirit of heaviness.