3 month ish to 6 month ish.
Can remember their names. Can make them laugh. Can remember my name. Kindergarten, Sunday school, hopeful, routine, clingy, defiant, creative, affection, appointments.
I’m just putting some markers on the adoption 202 timeline. Every family is different and these are meant to be helpful, certainly not anything in cement.
Naps Phase one was all uphill to get a rest time in. But whether they needed it or not, I did!
Q) Remember the three things you cannot make a child do?
A) sleep, eat or pee. So of course, “no one has to sleep, just quiet reading with a blanket and pillow on a bed.” My eyes are drooping just writing this. But now that some of my loss sanity was returning, I would grab a book and blanket snuggle and fall asleep with them. Not every day, many days, I needed the time for myself.
Signals and crazy questions. The universal finger over the lips signals quiet or quieter. About this time the crazy chatter and questions can get overwhelming. In our home, I’m sure it was a way to keep me engaged with them every second. So all the over kill crazy questions, like; “if we are going to have apples for snack tomorrow, I want the peanut better on the side and then I want chocolate chips in it, and I don’t want juice I want … and…. The next day… I want…” I would give them the quiet sign. Maybe a little wink, “no worries, we’ll see about it tomorrow.” I understand the fear is emotional and irrational, so this is a tough one, if you have the energy to answer it all, great. I had to come up with something that didn’t feel dismissive, that worked for me.
Soft music at bedtime. We had a wonderful woman visit our church who runs a hospice in Africa. She had made a CD with beautiful comforting soft music on it. We bought one and tried it one night. The rocking had tapered off, and the girls loved it. I wish I had thought of it. As an adult I cannot get my brain to quiet down for a billion reasons. Of course they have the same issues. A fan or soft music or one of those rain machines, might help comfort.
School/church/date night aka: You’re LEAVING me! Naturally I remember the woman in our adoption classes who shared about never leaving her new child for the first year. I’m always on the hunt for a new gauge to guilt myself with. So I wished I’d got her name to thank her. My parentfied five year old after meeting the teacher and playing on the playground, did great. Happy as a lark to have friends. She’s a school type kid. Her little sis went bazerk to attend an hour of Sunday school. The sweet woman at the door opened her arms to her and told me to get going. I bit my nails and sweated through church. I expected to pick her up and the volunteers ask me to never come back. What-da-ya-know…They all had their hair attached and smiled, ‘see you next time’ rolled out, all friendly like. We tried it again, the crying seemed to diminish each week. I was at a training and asked the therapist sitting at my table (my guilt still needed help) what do you do about leaving them when you are supposed to be building this sure attachment thing. I’ll never forget what he said (made the guilt sit down).”Teaching them that parents go away but always come back is part of a healthy attachment.”
Holidays. Yes, those happy times throughout the year when we gather as family over food and celebration. We as moms go into HGTV mode, decorations, shopping, cooking, hostessing, planning. Maybe relatives who are meeting the newbies in your family. “Let’s move all the furniture and have the carpets cleaned too.” Reading this you already know better… but the ads, the music, the memories we could make…it does kinda sweep away your good sense. So put this on the top of your T0-Do-LIST. What is the BEST way to take care of me? MY sanity is the priority. Raging, clingy, upset kiddo’s usually hijack the best laid plans. SO….start with You! Remember they are watching for your cracks. All your predictability, nurture and love, can’t be real…Prove them wrong!
Maybe the best way to care for me is to not do the cooking. Potluck or order out.
Maybe the best way is to keep it small. No extras. Simplicity is not a lower celebration. Try it and feel the freedom.
Maybe stretch out big family or important gatherings? Why not celebrate with family or friends the weekend before maybe find a sitter if it’s an adult gathering. Look for flexibility.
I’m an old adult and I still have trouble sleeping Christmas Eve. (Did I wrap the Clue game? Is it too scary? Killed with a led pipe…ickes… what was I thinking!) How much more lack of sleep will plague the kids. Oh Ya, we’ve seen some crazy meltdowns. WE got smart and started doing a boring movie and curl up on holidays. Zonked, their out. Tired and over anxious, needs a place to crash.
Vacations Oh boy, maybe I should put this on the 6-12 months area. BUT NO! My niece was getting married in San Diego. What an amazing 9 hour car trip! So perfect! Beach time, Disneyland, nice hotel with pool. Who could not have a blast? Let me name them for you: Me, my husband, our adopted girls, our teen daughter…anyone within two feet of us… Remember my routine just to get them to sleep in a bed. Now put five tired people in a motel room, two of them won’t stay in the bed. I knew I was losing it when my teen wouldn’t give me her ear phones and I started to cry. She eventually gave them over, so I could cry about what a selfish mom I am. If you can, ask for the room with the loudest bathroom fan. Or make sure those wonderful devices are charged.
Beach was also a disaster I didn’t see coming. Once little ones are past the eating sand stage, usually they love sand, buckets and waves tickling their toes. We barely could get them out of the car. Eventually out but then would not move off the beach towel, crying and scared. After an hour of having them glued to our bodies, my husband said, “we’re took a whole day to do this?” I nodded yes, “anyone want a cheese stick covered in sand?”
Disneyland is surely the top of over stimuli. But anywhere with kids and loud and visual effects will do the trick. I thought the only super mom thing to do would be carry the 3 yr. old and hold her hand when we saw Winnie or Cinderella. That did not work. We went back to the front and rented a stroller, strapped her in and that did work. I’m guessing she felt more secure in it. She still did not want to participate in Disney anything. But it was at least we could see the sights.
3-6 months in, I’d recommend just trying play land at McDonalds. We were over our heads. Go big after 12 months.
Those medical, dental, evaluation appointments. The ones I told you to avoid the first three months come due. I’m going to take a personal tangent here. When those where coming up, I began to lose sleep. I find myself (to this day) rehearsing over and over what I want to tell the professional. Maybe not so much the dentist (but the dentist cause my girls so much anxiety, it totally triggers mine.) It’s like I’m finally going to show up to someone who might have answers or a way to fix them. IS there a pill for that? It there a therapy for that? IS there a school or treatment for that? SO… I rehearse over and over details and things I’ve wondered about. Maybe if I can give all the right information the professional will have the superior knowledge to give me the magic formula? Never happens. I leave disappointed. EVERY TIME.
Just like the holidays, keep expectations ground level. I set myself up for disappointment. Every adopted kid is different. Trauma effects different kids at different stages. And if there was a magic formula, it wouldn’t work very long. They are constantly growing and changing. YOU are the best answer for it all, not someone who spends 20 minutes with them. I will still advocate and listen and try suggestions from pro’s. But listen to your gut too! If it is adding more stress, step back.
Attachment. So bonding and attachment are a big deal. How do you think it is going? I had a few moments in 0-3 months where I fantasized about running away from home. But somehow the fear of being a homeless women hanging out in a truck stop kept me home. Your battles are probably still there, but you should be moving past the running away mode. You should start to “feel” empathy over anger. You should be finding a groove with the new ciaos. Letting the ridicules roll off. Maybe the “newbie” hasn’t changed a whole lot in the 3-6 months, but hopefully you have. The structure and nurture you’ve gone after has rewarded you an acceptable rhythm for parenting. You trust your instincts. Everything is NOT rosy but somehow it’s doable to enjoyable. Don’t forget about attaching back to who you are. Are you a spouse? This is the season where you may have to have shorter date nights, but please oh please talk about something other than the kids. I have so many wonderful friends that where there for me, now is the time to put them on my list. Promise yourself you won’t drone on about all the changes at home. Ask them about themselves. Smile and laugh with your adoptive one/ones. That deer in the headlights look should be gone.
Thanks for taking on changing the world. No, you may not cure cancer or become the president BUT you are changing someones world. Everyday that you take a deep breath, trust God, trust yourself you are helping this child/children find their path in life. They can't do it without you. You are SOOOO important. NO you or I will never do it 100% right. So kick that junk to the curb. You ARE Amazing and Appointed for such a time as this. Go conquer...you have this....
Julie
